Tuesday, November 15, 2016

I'm Back

They say there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. This experience has been deeply personal and difficult. I wasn't sure if I wanted it out there. There are so many rambling drafts of this blog post sitting in a word document on my computer as this has been a struggle for me to coherently compose. What to do I write? How do I summarize? Can something like this even be summarized?

I don't write this for sympathy because in all honestly this is the best thing I have done for myself in a very long time. I don't write this for judgement either because before you do please look very closely at yourself in the mirror. But I've been privately messaged and questioned so the best way to deal with this before the rumor mill really starts to kick in is to just address this myself.

Yes, I left my husband. Yes, I filed for and am now divorced. Yes, I moved in with my parents when I left to get back on my feet, and the home my ex and I owned together sold a few weeks ago.

Leaving my marriage was not what I planned. A family friend saw through the bullshit I was feeding everyone and he alone staged an intervention for me. My life changed when I walked out of my marriage on Wednesday, January 6th. I will never, ever, if I lived a million years be able to repay the man who took me to lunch at a Mexican restaurant that day. He literally saved my life as I was teetering dangerously close to the edge of a nervous breakdown. He helped me realize that I could get out, and helped me take everything of mine we could fit between our two vehicles.

I will forever be the one who walked away from our marriage. I have absolutely no regrets, because I deserve better. I suppose in a way my ex is right. I did abandon our marriage. I took all that I had, specifically my clothes and dogs, and left with no warning on that Wednesday afternoon, leaving only a note explaining why I was gone. I abandoned a toxic and troubled individual who brought me almost to the point of a nervous breakdown with his OCD. Our marriage wasn't a partnership; it was a dictatorship, ruled by his Obsessive Compulsive Behavior. Obsessive cleaning, obsessive spending, obsessive manipulating, obsessive lying.

I abandoned a relationship in which my needs, wants, desires, and concerns were being vocalized yet falling on deaf ears and disregarded. I abandoned a man who didn't have enough respect for me to be honest with me, and felt that lying and false promises literally since the day of our marriage (and before, I'm now assuming), is an acceptable trait for a partner. His exact words to me when confronted with the continuous cleaning, spending, and lying was repeatedly "at least I didn't cheat on you" or "at least I never hit you". Once again, as if the emotional and mental stressors from manipulating and lying to me is an acceptable trait and a lesser evil to deal with daily.

It's especially validating when all my doubts and questioning as to whether I had indeed made the right decision to leave and not try to work on the relationship were substantiated by our divorce discovery process. I had undeniably been continuously lied to; the bank account and credit card statements proved it. But I'm the bad guy for having no more to give to the relationship; hiding the truth of the prison of repetitive daily and weekly cleaning routines I was living at home from my family and friends; putting on a facade of perfection and a happy, healthy, loving marriage when it was anything but. He has however played the victim so well in this entire process (please, break out the popcorn and some wine, you can read his newly started blog after I left here if you'd like an idea of his warped reality). And I won't even get into all the things he conveniently leaves out of his posts.

"But you could have worked on it, gotten through it together, gone to therapy, stayed together".
You're right, I could have. I could have wasted more time of my life trying to fix an ultimately un-fixable situation, since he manipulated me time and time again into believing he would eventually get help for his OCD, among other issues. You know what my therapist said after revealing the full story? That I was lucky; I got out and have a solid support system.  I gave my all these past 6 years, since he held the ultimate trump card, he moved down here for me. How can I beat that in an argument? How many times was that thrown in my face to make me feel guilty over the years, for thinking or threatening leaving?

To quote Lady Gaga/Beyonce in their video "Telephone" (hang with me) "Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broke. But you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection". Was I perfect? No. Am I perfect? Not even close. But the failure of him to take responsibility, to lie to me continuously, to keep placing the blame on me as if I was the only one to put us into this predicament, it hurts.

I have my days; some are good, some are bad, some are in-between. It's been...a process. And it still is a process. I waited to write this because I wanted to be totally done with my ex. Unlike him who decided to write almost daily about what a terrible individual I am, I was afraid speaking my truth would come back to bite me with him. I wanted to give him no extra leverage for my life than I already had. We have no further ties. Our divorce was finalized in September and our home sold the end of October. Luckily we have have no children. I can't imagine how difficult it is for those of you who have them and have gone through this nightmare.

It's not pretty, this entire process that they call divorce. Even though I'm the one who wanted it, it doesn't make it easier.  I know people have been through worse. I know people have survived worse. But we're all together in this insane thing called life, and we all get by with a little help from our friends.

I should amend an earlier statement to say I do have regrets, mostly that I didn't ask for help, or reach out to my family or friends sooner. The amount of people and outpouring of love and support since I left has been humbling and overwhelming. I'm so grateful to everyone, from my family, to my friends, to work associates and contacts who got over the shock quickly and opened their arms/homes/ears/selves to me with no questions asked, sharing their understanding or similar situations. I don't believe I'll ever be able to thank or repay you enough for making me feel so accepted, heard, and loved.

Everyone says I look great...I'm more of my old self, I'm smiling more. That's all true. I've lost 20 pounds, I'm much happier now than I have been for years now that the truth is out there. But I'm still hurting, and I know that raw wound is going to take some time to heal. It's the best worst decision I've ever had to make. So I'm moving on. Starting from scratch is terrifying. But I'm excited. I'm keeping busy with adventures and trying so many new things that I wouldn't have before. It's exhilarating. I'm not looking back, so don't expect any bashing entries from me, just the ridiculousness that's to come in my life in 2016 and beyond.