Thursday, July 27, 2017

Grief Stage: Angry

When I can't sleep I write, so as Homer snores beside me in the bed I try to make sense of the ramblings that my brain just won't shut off. This isn't meant to be a "woe is me post" or that I regret the decisions I made, I just think it's important to put out there some of the more raw and real side effects that going through a divorce can have. Just because I wanted it doesn't mean it's all rainbows and butterflies.
From the book I'm currently reading - "The Missing"

My dad's best friend had sent me an article as I made the tough decision to file for divorce, which outlines how divorce is very much like a death; you will end up experiencing the same stages of grief. I feel as though with most things in my life, I'm not experiencing them in the "correct" order, if you will.

I was catching up on the latest season of Orange Is the New Black, and while not nearly the message being sent with the death in the show (I won't spoil it for those who haven't caught up), the girlfriend of the deceased says the following of how she feels now that the woman she loves is gone:

"That's the thing. I'm not sad. I'm angry. I hate everyone. Anyone laughing or smiling or being alive is fucking offensive to me and they should all just fucking die. And eventually I'm just gonna burn up from rage and I'll just be dust and I don't know how to make it stop."
(Season 5 Episode 6 14 minutes)

I cried my eyes out after that scene, because I know that exact feeling, since that's what I seem to be experiencing right now. I'm so angry now for not being wanted, not being enough for someone. I haven't just been alone since getting divorced, I was alone in my marriage, when my ex constantly chose his OCD over me.

The most meaningless things seem to be setting me off. I still actively avoid social media, forgoing the perfect Facebook posting of engagements, weddings, pregnancy announcements, baby births, and couples vacations for the sarcastic, heartless memes on Instagram. I know that I can't handle seeing everyone's lives put together, as mine is still being forged back from falling apart. 

And that's no offense to my family and friends because I'm guilty of it too; no one wants to put the ugly side of their life out there (except me, right now. You're welcome). I'm so happy that they're happy and clearly want nothing but the best for them. Some days though, I feel like I'm just flailing. The frustration of online dating certainly doesn't help with this fury.

My immediate reaction is to seclude myself, lick my wounds over a bottle of wine and the healing power of tears. I've been trying to get better at this and instead of pushing everyone away, keeping myself around people.

Much like the OITNB episode continues, I try to have an outlet for my anger. I workout daily. I plan fun activities for myself to get me out of the house. The amount of people who are shocked at the things I do by myself - the movies, dinner at a bar, Uber into the Philly to go to concerts or a festival - well what else am I supposed to do? I can't bring my dog everywhere, and if I didn't do things by myself, who would I do them with? I'd never leave my apartment otherwise.

I know I've gone through so many drastic changes in the past 18 months. I can't expect it all to fall into place so steadily with what I've done, and don't worry I'm not Hulk-smashing or crying at the drop of a hat. I try hard to focus on my accomplishments thus far: making the tough decision to get divorced because I deserve better, standing on my own two feet with a new career and my own apartment, and the vacations being planned before the end of the year. 

But some days you just need a cold bottle of Chardonnay and a good cry.