Friday, August 18, 2017

Chuck It

Apparently I freaked a good amount of you out with my last blog post. First and foremost, I appreciate every single person that reached out to me. Every day I’m reminded how loved I am, and what an incredible support system of friends both immediate and from the past that are willing to be there for me. For that I am truly lucky.

I promise I’m of no danger to myself or anyone else. I’m okay, really. But those of you who know me and my always annoyingly bubbly, shiney, she-must-be-taking-drugs-because-she's-always-so-happy personality, well, even us unusually happy people have our hard moments too. Some days I can fake it better than others. But when my life gets a little too heavy I write, because writing gets my feelings out of my heart and head. It’s my most cathartic release besides crying over a bottle of wine with my two favorite men, Ben and Jerry (well three, I mean Homer knows when I’m not totally myself either and loves to give me extra snuggles).

We all have our battles, we all have our struggles, we all have our grief that we deal with in our daily lives. This too shall pass, I know, and until then I’ll keep leaning on those who reached out to me to get me through the dark times. I keep myself busy and surround myself with people who want to be an active part of my life, and the rest will fall into place. Allegedly. Or we’ll get nuked and then no worries for anybody except the cockroaches. And Mick Jagger. The best thing is I know these feelings are temporary, and that I’ve survived so much worse.

I was talking with my best friend on our unexpected girl’s night a few Saturday’s ago about how I seem to be going through so many random emotions. As she lovingly labeled what I’m experiencing PTND (Post Traumatic Nick Disorder), she pointed out that while these seemingly random feelings are coming to light now is actually that for the longest time I was in survival mode. I couldn’t afford to feel anything except nothing in order to finish my divorce. It didn’t matter that my ex had another woman living in the house we owned, that he was buying her things with our money. It didn’t matter that more lies and deception from the years I was married to him were coming to light about finances and secret credit cards and bank accounts. I did what I had to do to survive, which was keep a level head and compartmentalize to no feelings about anything except getting to that divorce date.

But now the dust has settled I’m getting to live instead of merely survive. I’m coming up on a year I’ve been divorced. My home sold. I changed careers. I for the first time moved into my own apartment out of the area for said new job. I’m working on my annulment documents. I did it, I survived. And now I have the time to feel all the things I wouldn’t allow myself to feel during the process. That’s what that blog post was. That’s what this period of feeling down on myself, and sad, and all these raw emotions that sneak up on me is. It’s not just the feelings through my divorce, it’s the feelings I wouldn’t always allow myself to feel in my marriage as well. The lies, being unwanted, the obsessive cleaning, the deception, the guilt, the rage. I haven’t truly gotten to feel it, and it hurts.

My snuggle-puffins
Attempting to date doesn’t help. Digital screens has made dating horrid, frustrating, full of deception, and at times scary. As I lamented to my friend Jason about the creeps that keep messaging me, he said “maybe online dating isn’t for you”. And you know what, I think he’s right. There’s this stigma that if you’re single you should always be “looking”, but I’m already so tired of the process. I don’t feel like making the small talk via text messaging explaining all the changes in my life the past year and a half. I don’t feel like making time to try to meet up with a strange guy after work to sit at a bar and have awkward conversation that leads to nothing more than a slow ghosting fade.

It all came together as I sat at work realizing that I hadn’t heard from either of the two new boys from Match who had started texting me. I realized it wouldn’t matter if they had continued to text and actually wanted to see me. I literally have no free time starting tonight until Monday. My weekends from now through almost all of September are filled with friends, holidays, birthday parties, and adventures. I’ve booked an all inclusive vacation, my first in two years, with my sister in October. I’m going to see one of my favorite comedians in November when she comes to Philly. I’ve found 9 concerts from artists I enjoy that I want to see which fits in my schedule and one of those include, thanks to my brother, seeing my all time favorite band Brand New for the first time in 10 years when they perform at the Electric Factory in Philly. I’m still taking golf lessons and pushing myself to get stronger every morning at the gym. 
Brunch celebrating my
sister's birthday

One of the women to reach out to me after I posted a few weeks ago said it all fell into place for her when she stopped trying to micromanage her life. And maybe that’s what I’ve been doing on some subconscious level without realizing it. So I’m giving up. But in a good way. I’ve decided, as we say in my family, to chuck it in the fuck-it bucket. I still have until January free on Match, so I’ll use it until then but won’t be renewing.

Would it be nice to have someone to share all these experiences with? Of course it would, who wouldn’t want someone to be an active staple in their life? But even though I have my moments of not feeling enough, as one of my best friends sent me that post at the top of the page, I am enough, and if no one realizes that then it’s their loss. I’m going to keep filling my time with people and things I’d rather be doing, even if it is all by myself.

*Cue Celine Dion song*

1 comment:

  1. Dear Natalie,
    You are an amazing woman who has accomplished so much. You have made lemonade out of a mess of lemons. You are enough and are absolutely beautiful. Take one day at a time, one step at a time. Feel the freedom of being single and relieved of the burdens and discontent of an unhappy relationship. You will find Mr. Right one of these days when you least expect it. Be patient and keep moving forward. Now you know what you don't want in a relationship. Trust yourself. Enjoy the life you have with the people you want to be in your life. Please know I care and am praying for you. Blessings, Char