Sunday, February 26, 2017

21st Century Dating

In the Online Dating system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the single women who are trying to meet nice men, and the men who are actually the worst. These are their stories. *DUN DUN*

The top two questions I currently get are:
1. Are your eyes really that color blue? (yes, I grew them myself, thanks)
2. Are you dating anyone? No? How is someone like you still single? (That's probably technically 4 questions total. Whatever, it's my blog I do what I want. I don't know how to answer that. I mean I think I'm pretty incredible but apparently I ask for too much. You know, no games, trustfulness, respect. So needy.)

Followed by the comment:  You should get online to meet men. You'll be married within the next year.

So I caved, not that I'm looking to get married again any time soon. I went on Bumble a few times (gave up on that completely for reasons to follow) and am only on Match as I paid for my membership with a coupon because guess who has two thumbs and loves a bargain? Plus on Match if I keep within the parameters and don't meet anyone in the first 6 months I get the next 6 months free. So it's a win-win in my opinion.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of doing online dating, here's a few things for you to keep in mind while reading. I'd like to start by saying my profile photos are not scandalous. I am fully clothed, no provocative poses, and no duck-kissy faces because you all know how ridiculous you look when you do that, right? My profile is sarcastic because I am sarcastic. And every "date" I go on I offer to split the bill because it's 2017 and I make my own money thank you very much.

Also please note that the examples below are just the men I've felt safe enough to actually meet in person. I've had multiple men contact me and within a few lines of chatting want to turn the conversation to sex. Now, I'm not prude but it's insane the way this era of messaging behind screens seems to make it acceptable. If we were sitting in a public bar would you still ask to play "naughty 20 questions" had I just met you 5 minutes earlier? How has this become such a mainstream practice?

These points being understood, how's it going so far? Let's recap:
- My first date leaves me having to pay for the entirety of dinner because he forgot his wallet after we had gotten carded when we walked in the door and he clearly had it then (said wallet fell behind him when he tried to replace it in his back pocket and he didn't think to look around his chair).
- A guy who said he was an empath and wanted to meditate with me because when he meditates it's when he can be most engulfed in people's energies. He wanted to be completely enveloped in my positive and genuine energy.
- A guy showed me a picture of his dick on his phone unprompted, not relevant to the conversation we were having other than he pointed out some older woman in the bar who is married that was allegedly trying to hook up with him. Apparently this is supposed to woo me.
- Another wanted to go hiking in the woods in the morning, alone before work, as we just started talking and hadn't met yet. The innuendo being that when we met up later at night we could get a hotel room and have sex since I'd know him better by then {sidebar, I did not meet up with this guy}
Bumble convo with blow off date
that has since found me on Match.
- A guy I genuinely liked, was getting along with splendidly, and seemed to be developing into something until his girlfriend of two years text me to ask me to stop whatever was going on between us.

I wish I was joking.

This next one is a strong contributor for my latest deletion of Bumble. At the last minute I decided to meet up with a guy as it worked for both of our schedules. He kept pushing back the time we were meeting at the bar even knowing I had a half hour ride to get there (himself too as he was out). By 10 minutes before I was supposed to be there (I was running behind at that point after trying to run errands to fill the pushback times) he messaged me that he still hadn't left. So I would have been sitting alone at the bar for a half hour until he arrived and I had enough. I messaged him since it was last minute attempt anyway why don't we just try for another day?  I proceeded to go see Rogue One by myself which was EPIC. He continued to message me for days after that which I didn't respond. Soon after, I delete the dating app and am now only on Match. He somehow finds me on Match this week and has since messaged me...TWICE...asking why I stopped responding on Bumble.

The attorney in our building at work recently asked me why we woman "ghost" and don't just tell men that we're not interested. That's a no-brainer: because it's easier than having to be harassed and belittled for rejecting him thus hurting his frail male ego. Don't believe me? Read the online dating article here (note, it's definitely considered a #longread). It's why I started following ByeFelipe on Instagram, which publish screen shots of the responses women have gotten when they've rejected men. It's disgusting, deplorable, and 100% accurate with what we women deal with daily in trying to online date.

Homer, the best snuggler
Okay Natalie, so Bumble obviously didn't work out for you. What about Match? You said you paid for a membership, that has to be going pretty well, right?! These are the actual ages of the last ten men who expressed interest in me on Match.com in no particular order (for those of you who don't know me, I'm just 31 years young): 54, 40, 39, 48, 36 (but he's in Monroe NY which google tells me is 4 hours away so like ya know, super close), 42, 45, 44, 62, 46. Of the men closer to my age and interest that I've reached out to on the site no one has messaged back. I have not met up with anyone from Match.

To say I'm disheartened with this whole scene is an understatement. Not that I'm looking to jump into anything crazy, let's be real I'm still working through issues from my divorce. But come. the fuck. on.  Grow up, get some manners, and treat a lady right. Chivalry, I am convinced, is utterly dead.

So if anyone needs me I'll be doing the required minimum to get my 6 months free on Match, but otherwise currently have more important things to focus on in my life than finding someone. Yes, everyone, I'm comfortable being alone even if you aren't.


- Dick Wolf did not produce this blog post but he probably should have since these events seem so outlandish they must be made up, but I can attest are all actual events. And if you didn't get that reference by my opening line then who are you and why are you even reading this?

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Correction

I have been getting a lot of flack for the past 5 (!!!) years since I posted this blog entry which basically stated that my brother didn't have any chores when we were younger because he is the favorite child.

Before the JMT (John Michael Truthers as he so lovingly informed me of earlier this week) try to delve deeper and find more of the lies I have allegedly told about him, I want to make a correction to above said blog post.

Dead sexy 
My younger brother definitely did chores around the house when we lived at home. He would without complaint empty the trashcans. And with two older sisters who have long curly hair you can imagine what a treat that was. He'd mow the lawn. He was the overall gopher for dad - going to help him fix anything at my grandparents, or my grandma's, or at the office, or around our own house. He helped build infamous tiki bar in the backyard of the house we grew up in.

Most notoriously though were the windows that broke, whether with him kicking soccer balls over the house and attempting the same with baseballs, and the laughs we now have about his shenanigans.

But the fact is (and as guilt would have it) he came through in a big way today and helped me score pre-sale Lady Gaga tickets for her second show when she comes to Philly in September. A simple gesture, absolutely. But I couldn't be more grateful that he immediately thought of me when he got the email that the pre-sale went live. This will be my first concert since college and as silly as it sounds I could not be more excited than I am at this current moment. It's the simple things really that I'm starting to enjoy more and more as I create this new path ahead of me.

Plus mom said if we don't stop bickering we'd be sent to our rooms without dinner. And I'm hungry.